My heart hurts


Another crazy busy month

After the hurricane hit – or really, took an eastern wobble out to sea so that it didn’t come inland and skittered up the coast hitting the beaches – my world went crazy busy with work. Between the biggest launch of my Pinterest coaching program and attending Type A Blogging conference, it’s just been non-stop for the entire month of October.

And now, here we are in November and I’m finally having a moment to breathe. A time to reflect on what I just went through and to find some time to get back to this blog. I’ve been trying to get back to blogging about the court case, thinking about where I left off.

I was sorting through where I was leading up to the big court date. I’ve been getting my thoughts together about how to share the next part of this court case series, when I kept getting distracted. I was trying to find my place when my mind kept wandering back to why I went through 19 months of total BS and an emotional roller coaster.

It brought me back to this post that I had written over 4 years ago – I’m so happy, my heart hurts (see the post below). This post took me back to that place when I won my case. That moment when I walked out of the courthouse with tears in my eyes and joy in my heart – so much that it hurt my heart.



I’m so happy … my heart hurts

That’s what my son Jake said to me when we went to our family’s beach house for Mother’s Day weekend. We had the beach outside the back porch and a huge pool right outside the front door. It was a boy’s paradise and Jake was so overwhelmed with emotion that all he could say to me Friday night was “I’m so happy, my heart hurts.”

I’d like to think it has everything to do with the two of us being together for a beach weekend but a part of me knows his statement probably had something to do with the fact we were at the beach house with a pool. Either way, it certainly did warm my heart to hear him say those words as I know the older he gets, the less he’ll say these types of things to his mother.

Throughout the weekend I watched him play on his boogie board in the ocean and hit baseballs in the sand. He’d run to the pool to show me how he learned to dive and then swam to the end underwater without taking one breath. As I watched him, I realized he was no longer my sweet little toddler who I called peanut.

He is becoming a full-fledged boy.

And we’re talking a boy with a capital B.

I mean the farting (and laughing when he does it), the dumb jokes about body parts and the crazy I-can’t-sit-still-for-5-minutes behavior. I knew toddlerworld was over the day he ran into my room holding his superheros underwear to show me his skidmarks.

I’m not trying to be gross here – but really, what’s up with that? I think we all know how it happens, but I can’t for the life of me get why it happens. I can only imagine its a boy thing and never having been a boy (or had a brother for that matter), I just don’t get it.

I could sense the changes in Jake that weekend at the beach house. We were having a heartfelt conversation and when I asked him how he felt about what I said, he answered with “From my butt … duh.” I don’t even know what that means and how that answered my question. He just made the same loud short laugh that I make and jumped into the pool.

Its clear our connection is changing. He’s pushing his boundaries and showing his love for me from a more independent place. Our Jake-and-Mommy love has grown into a different relationship. Maybe now we’re in a place where our love exists when your heart hurts and its OK if you have skidmarks.


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