It’s Not Me, It’s You

In the air tonight Phil Collins

Old Me vs New Me

I’ve had quite the week dealing with people in my life. I feel like I’ve had a big arrow pointing down at my head with a sign that says, “Looking for someone to attack,? Feel free to mess with this one. She can take it.”

I’m the person who avoids drama and conflict. Due to my slight touch of OCD, I work hard to create structures and routines in my life to make everything go as smooth as possible. So when things like this happen, it’s natural to resort to the victim mode of ‘why is this happening to me’ mindset.

Actually, that’s my old way of thinking. The person who started this blog a couple of years ago would have spent the whole week thinking about what I said and what they said back. Then I would have obsessed over these conversations and what I could to do to control the conflicts.

But that was the old Me. The new Me turned this around pretty quickly. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t just drop this and move on. I had many conversations in my head to work this out and I realized it came down to one simple word: Forgiveness.

Sorry seems to be the hardest word

How do we deal with people who come in and out of our lives who treat us badly? Do we believe that we deserve to be treated this way? Of course, the answer is NO. No one ever deserves to be treated with disrespect.

And what happens when you know that you’ve done your best to work through the problems and you still feel that nagging in your gut? When I feel a physical sign like that, it reminds me that there’s something wrong. But then something like this happens when you see it, right there in front of you, written in black and white … you know your internal message is telling you that you were right with your questions.

I’m certainly not saying that I’m a perfect person. Far from it. I’ll take my share of the demise of my marriage. I will own up to my participation in the nasty divorce. I take full accountability for my behavior during those years with my son’s father. But what happens when you didn’t ask for this and now they act like all those years didn’t matter? And they want forgiveness?

Can people really change? If we can accept that they do change for the better, then is their apology real and sincere? Or are they just saying those same words over and over just to make it all go away so they don’t have to own up to what they did?

Enough is enough

After a couple of days of this thinking, I got tired of the questions. And then it just turned into that line from the old movie Network where I wanted to stick my head out of the window and scream, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore.” Which unfortunately turned into a couple of hours of singing the lines from the Twisted Sister song, We’re Not Gonna Take It. { damn you 80’s music hook line! }

I just don’t have time for this negative emotional energy. There’s too much good happening in my life right now. There’s too much joy in my house with my son Jake. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

So there I was yesterday, laying on the floor sweating and panting after doing the mother of all Jillian Michaels’ workouts. It was level 4 and she never does a level 4 … and I made it through. As I laid on my carpet listening to her give her words of encouragement, I realized I hadn’t been paying attention what she was saying before. I was always too busy stretching or trying to catch my breath.

I finally heard the words that Jillian was trying to tell me:

When you doubt yourself, think about who you are in this workout. Bring yourself back to this place and time and see how present you were. When you dug down deep … that takes a strong focused individual. You don’t need to take crap from anyone.
When is it time to say, enough is enough? When is it time to say, this is for me. I do this for me. I have one obligation to this world and this is it – to be the best you that you can be … You have to come first.
Now take a deep breath and you inhale all the possibilities and you exhale all the negativity and all the self-doubt you’ve been carrying around with you your entire life.
And now give yourself a giant round of applause. Because THAT my friend … is bad ass.

Photo credit: Self Portrait

4 thoughts on “It’s Not Me, It’s You

  1. I’m so proud that you thought on it and then moved on. That’s a huge step for the new you! Of course, now Twisted Sister is stuck in my head – thank you very much!

    I read something the other day “life becomes easier when you learn to accept the apology you never got.” This isn’t easy – in fact sometimes it’s down right difficult; however, sometimes that is what you have to do in order to heal and move forward. I’ve found it even harder when someone asks for my forgiveness and I’m not ready to give it… because I don’t see the apology as sincere… but that’s probably an issue that will take more than a blog post to resolve! 🙂

    • I know what you mean. This has been something that’s been circling in my head for awhile and this week, I finally did took the first step. I’ve had lots apologies that didn’t come and I just gotvto the point where I said, enough is enough.

  2. Pingback: Find Yourself | My journey to live an authentic life

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