Start all over again

start all over

When my blogger friend Kate of Did That Just Happened posted this comment, I didn’t know what to say:

I came searching your blog to see how the “no yelling” thing was going – I’ve been reading a blog of a few others that are doing Orange Rhino, and it sounds basically like the same thing, but I wasn’t sure. Anyway, just checking in!

Honestly, I didn’t want to write another update about my “Yelling Less” project. If you didn’t catch the first post, you can read it here. I wrote a post about mid-way through the program sharing all the stuff I learned called The Power of Perspective.

Everything’s all great and warm and fuzzy. No need for an update, right? I just didn’t want to think about it. And then Kate brought it up and it was all I could think about. Thanks Kate …

Here’s the truth

On Day 30 of a 30-day challenge, I yelled at my son Jake. I could have sworn I was talking loudly but we were doing our back-and-forth dance and I lost it.

Later that night when he was getting ready for bed, we talked about what happened. I tried to redeem myself and said, “At least I didn’t yell.” Jake gives me that sad look and says, “Yeah, yeah ya did mom.” I waited until he got into the shower before I let myself cry.

I made it 30 whole days without yelling and I lose it on the last day. Crap, who does that? Me …

So here’s your answer Kate. I haven’t given anyone an update because I was so disappointed with myself. By the next day, Jake had already forgotten it but I couldn’t move past it for at least 2 days.

I pushed it away when I went on vacation but then Kate’s comment brought it back up again. Because I’ve got this whole authentic life journey thing happening here, I decided I needed to write an update post. As I’m writing everything out, once again, I’m feeling the sadness about my screw up. I needed a little Orange Rhino pep talk from one her blog posts.

I click over and I can’t believe what I just read. After 520 days of her program, the Orange Rhino yelled. She wrote a confession post to all her readers about how even after over 500 days, she can still lose it with her kids.

But her post wasn’t about how we should feel bad for her. It was about how she didn’t backslide and obsess about it like I did. She took everything she learned over the past couple of years to move past what happened.

I looked through of our challenge emails and found this nugget:

Ask yourself WHY am I having a hard time not yelling? WHY am I succeeding at not yelling. The answer might be as simple as because it is hard! Or if you dig deeper it might be, it is hard and I am tired and I don’t feel like trying.

What should have been Day 31 turned into Day 1. I started all over again and admitted the truth. Yes, I was tired. Yes, I was stressed from this writer’s block stuff and all the things I have I do to launch my new product. I didn’t feel like trying and using all the new techniques I learned that month. And yes, he wasn’t listening to me … and I yelled.

I’m back to the beginning and on Day 23. It’s not really Day 1 because it took me 23 days to confess this to you. Here’s your warm fuzzy folks. As the Orange Rhino says, here’s your truth:

I yelled because of my own pain that was screaming to get out.

I yelled because, well, because I am human and sometimes despite best intentions, hard work, and a heart full of more love than ever, mistakes happen.

Photo credit: Finish/Start

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14 thoughts on “Start all over again

  1. Oh the yelling makes me feel horrible and I find myself doing it all the time. Esp when my hubs travels and my reserves are low. God bless you for talking about this.

    • Yeah that feeling gets to me too. And being a single mom, I know how it feels to be the mom show all the time and not have anyone there to give you a break. Those words were hard to write so thanks for your thoughts.

  2. Oh Penney, this post really touched me! But first – man, I’m sorry!!! I didn’t mean to bring it up and make you go through it all again (although, it sounds like it was pretty serendipitous…). Second, this post really did touch me (My eyes welled up as I could feel the emotion you poured into the writing) and I’m so glad that you updated us! I’m like you and I would have obsessed over it for days/weeks/months, so I was really glad to read that it’s okay to forgive ourselves and move on! We are human and sometimes we make mistakes. Just the other day I was saying that if I’m not making a mistake, then I’m not living, and that I’ve worked hard to learn to forgive myself, learn the lesson in the mistake and allow myself to believe that it is making me a better person and I am growing and learning. I’d still obsess a little – so it’s good that you went back to the source and had the visible reminder that IT IS OKAY.

    On the plus side – look how far you made it!! That’s a new record just waiting to be broken! 🙂

    • First let me say, no need for an apology. You were like a messenger giving me a sign to pay attention to this. And you’re right, I did work through something when I was trying to figure out how to reply to you.
      I agree with you about the obsessing part. And I do think that its ok to forgive ourselves, but its just so hard to do. Something I certainly can work on.
      And what a great way to look at what happened – now I just have a record to break 🙂

    • I can relate SO much to your post! I know that feeling you get after you yell and mine would just stay with me for hours and sometimes days.

      I can say that this challenge hasn’t really stopped me from getting angry when I’m stressed/tired/hungry/etc. I’ve just learned to walk away. I’m starting to recognize my signs when I feel a yell coming on and I just throw up my hands and walk out of the room. Now my son knows he’s in trouble and I’m upset when I walk away. At this point, I can’t find a way to stay in the room and calm down to talk to him but I’m sure over time, I’ll figure that one out.

      Have you been to the Orange Rhino site? She’s got a ton of posts about this stuff and it makes you feel so much better to know that you’re not alone when we do these things.

      thanks for sharing your post with me 🙂

    • Kate was like a messenger to get me to look at it in a different way. I was beating myself up so I really appreciate you both for giving me that support. He still pushes me ( you should have seen him this weekend!) so its still hard to not yell. Now I’m doing what Kate suggested – trying to break my 30 day record 🙂

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