It happened again.
As much as I wanted to believe in my mental shift when I wrote the post The Aftermath (take a moment to read this, it’ll give you some insights into where I am now), it’s just not where I want to be. I’ve done better.
You see, I’m a yeller. My mom was a yeller and my sister does it to her kids. It’s not one of my proudest characteristics that I’ve gotten from family. But I do it. And I’m loud and I’m scary. No one wants to be the loud, scary mommy but that’s me.
That was a hard one to admit just now.
I am making changes to my anger issues because at this point, I’m smart enough to walk away. I distance myself from my son Jake before my anger escalates into a barrage of hurtful horrible words that you can’t ever take back.
And I never feel good after I yell. I try to make myself feel better by remembering that I’m only human, we all make mistakes but most day, the words just feel like Charlie Brown’s teacher … wah wah wah. When the anger goes away, I feel this huge wave of sadness come over me.
The sadness will stay with me sometimes as long as 24 hours past the incident. I’m upset with myself for overreacting and I’m disappointed with myself for hurting my son. I love Jake more than anything and when this happens, it leaves a big hole in my heart.
But then it happened again.
After several hours of feeling that familiar sadness, I decided to give it a Google. I ran a search on ‘feeling sad after a parent yells’ and I couldn’t believe what I found. It’s called The Orange Rhino Challenge. The next challenge was going to start in 5 days. It was a message I couldn’t ignore so I signed up that night.
Today is Day 9 of the 30 Day Challenge to Yelling Less and I’ve already learned quite a bit about why this yelling stuff keeps happening. The biggest thing that shocked me was that 6,500 people signed up for this challenge! Kinda brings new meaning to the words “you’re really not alone.”
I can tell this process will be full of twists and turns and enlightenment moments. I get that already. But I knew it would be like this the day after I signed up for the challenge. The next morning after handing over my email address to the challenge, I read through the woman’s blog posts and why she started the whole non-yelling thing. She didn’t just have one boy – she had four! She was like me quadrupled.
As I was siting on the couch reading her story, Jake asked what I was looking at. He curled up next to me on the couch as I scrolled up to the challenge part and pointed, “It’s a Yelling Less Challenge. I signed up last night.”
He looked into my eyes, squeezed my arm and said “Thank you.”
(I’m hanging out again on the Yeah Write grid this week! Come check out some great writers with me!)
Photo credit: Junior Fry Cook