Am I doing enough?

I ask myself that question all the time, ‘Am I doing enough for my son Jake?’ I can go a whole day of living in busy crazytown and not once think about any of those kinds of things but then night time comes. And so do the questions.

Every night before I go to bed, I check on Jake. It’s this old mommy habit I started when he was a baby and I read something about that scary SIDS stuff. Every night I would put my hand on his chest to make sure he was still breathing.  He was around four before I stopped checking to make sure something didn’t happen to him while he slept. Old mommy habits are hard to break.

Now when I check on him, its more to shut off the flashlight he’s been playing with before he passed out. Some nights I stand there for a few minutes to watch him sleep. I think about how big he’s gotten. I think about how that Cars The Movie blanket was so huge when he begged me to buy it and now, it seems so small. Another inch or two and his feet will stick out of the end.

Some days I feel tears come to my eyes. I’m overwhelmed with the emotions I feel for him. And I ask myself, ‘Am I doing everything I can to raise him to be the best he can be?‘ While I never regret my divorce, my heart aches for him to go back and forth between two houses. Living in two different worlds and being a part of two different lives. I wonder what affect this will have on him as he grows older.

And then I realize I’ve been standing in his room crying and I better leave before he wakes up and wonder if his mom is going crazy again. As I leave his room and go into mine, I’m reminded of something I read in the book The Creek by JT Glisson. JT’s neighbor was Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings of The Yearling fame and he tells the story about how Mrs. Rawlings came to speak to the kids at his school.

One child asked, “Why did you write about a boy instead of a girl?” Her answer was straightforward: “When I was growing up I thought boys were the lucky ones. They could run and play with such freedom and dirty their clothes and do all kinds of adventuresome things.” She smiled at the girls in the audience. “I like boys. They’re special.”

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4 thoughts on “Am I doing enough?

  1. I teared up reading this. I do the same thing at night. My son is split up throughout the week, evenly between his father and myself and I’m always asking him if he’s ok with this (he’s 7). I know one day he’ll probably get tired of this schedule that is his life and ask to live with just one of us. I’m trying to prepare myself if he tells me he wants to live at his dad’s. I love my sweet boy.

    • I actually had to write this on a couple of different days because I kept crying and then I couldn’t finish it. This was a part two to this post: https://penneyfox.wordpress.com/2012/05/18/im-so-happy-my-heart-hurts/

      My son is 8 (and will be 9 in Nov) and he’s been going back and forth since he was 3. He’s already told me that he’s tired of the schedule but legally, there’s just really nothing I can do about it. I hope that day never happens for me either OR at least, my son says he only wants to live with his mom. Only time will tell.

      Thanks for stopping by – and how cool is your blog! You’re making me hungry 🙂

  2. I think all good Moms wonder this too Penney. I often think about how busy my life is and if my little guy will remember me loving him or working too much. Thanks for the beautiful post…

    • I knew when I was writing this that others felt this way too. I actually wrote this whole post one night after I caught myself standing his room way too long. I went back to my room and wrote the whole thing out.

      Thanks as always for your comments and reading my blog – it’s always great to hear from other moms that I’ve written something that connects with others.

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