I ask myself that question all the time, ‘Am I doing enough for my son Jake?’ I can go a whole day of living in busy crazytown and not once think about any of those kinds of things but then night time comes. And so do the questions.
Every night before I go to bed, I check on Jake. It’s this old mommy habit I started when he was a baby and I read something about that scary SIDS stuff. Every night I would put my hand on his chest to make sure he was still breathing. He was around four before I stopped checking to make sure something didn’t happen to him while he slept. Old mommy habits are hard to break.
Now when I check on him, its more to shut off the flashlight he’s been playing with before he passed out. Some nights I stand there for a few minutes to watch him sleep. I think about how big he’s gotten. I think about how that Cars The Movie blanket was so huge when he begged me to buy it and now, it seems so small. Another inch or two and his feet will stick out of the end.
Some days I feel tears come to my eyes. I’m overwhelmed with the emotions I feel for him. And I ask myself, ‘Am I doing everything I can to raise him to be the best he can be?‘ While I never regret my divorce, my heart aches for him to go back and forth between two houses. Living in two different worlds and being a part of two different lives. I wonder what affect this will have on him as he grows older.
And then I realize I’ve been standing in his room crying and I better leave before he wakes up and wonder if his mom is going crazy again. As I leave his room and go into mine, I’m reminded of something I read in the book The Creek by JT Glisson. JT’s neighbor was Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings of The Yearling fame and he tells the story about how Mrs. Rawlings came to speak to the kids at his school.
One child asked, “Why did you write about a boy instead of a girl?” Her answer was straightforward: “When I was growing up I thought boys were the lucky ones. They could run and play with such freedom and dirty their clothes and do all kinds of adventuresome things.” She smiled at the girls in the audience. “I like boys. They’re special.”