Once again I’ve found myself going through a period of reflection. It’s a combination of way too many things going on in my life and still struggling to find the ever elusive quest for balance.
The biggest thing I’ve discovered is the change in my way of looking at the world around me. I’ve commented to those close to me that I’ve felt the changes within. I feel myself moving back to my old self. And I don’t mean the old me before the birth of my son Jake. Or even before the messy divorce. It’s a me that I was even before I got married, I mean a WAY back me.
There are moments when I can actually stand back and take a good look at myself. When I add up all those years and all those things I was doing … well, honestly, it was just me doing and going and trying to fill in the holes of my life. It was that feeling that we got as kids when someone asked us ‘what do you want to be when you grow up?’ Whether our answer was what they wanted to hear or not, we felt compelled to push ourselves towards those answers. It was the me who was trying to become what everyone thought I should be.
I’ve spent the last 20-some-odd years being a human doing. I went to college, started a business, got married, had a baby, struggled in my marriage and then lived through a nasty divorce. With the exception of the divorce, you could look at that sentence and think this person has it all. She’s done it all. She’s a success. I mean, isn’t that the path we’re all suppose to follow to be accepted in our society?
I’ve realized I don’t want that anymore. My world of constantly doing has contributed to the imbalance in my life. I’ve been spending an awful lot of time and energy trying to control things, suppress things or just find a way to deal with it. I’ve been creating my own world of imbalance. That’s pretty damn scary to admit.
It had become more then a state of mind. It was a state of doing. I know now I don’t want that anymore. I want to live in a state of being. I want to be a human being. Living my life as the person I want to be and not who others think I should be.
We are being asked to appreciate ourselves for who and what we are – right now, without judgement or concern, without conditions or expectations. We are being asked to appreciate ourselves because, in our experience, we are the only one who really can.
– Micheal Brown, The Presence Process
Photo credit: Holding Hands