I’ve started to write this post about a dozen times but somehow I kept finding myself getting distracted. First came a couple of my latest obsessions – cupcakes and Pinterest – and then last week, I let lose with a mommy rant. All of these things that have been circling around in my head that needed to come out. Most likely to clear the way to write this one.
Once again a struggle has surfaced within but unlike the others, this one has some new side effects to it. You know how every January we all make these resolutions to do things differently? I did something different this year, not the usual things like ‘gonna lose 10 pounds’ or ‘stop yelling at my son.’ I decided that I wasn’t going to allow any negative energy to take me away from where I was going and what I needed to do to get there. Seems that its a bit harder then I realized.
Those of you close to me may know that February was a tough and very emotional month for me last year. All those memories came flooding back as if it was yesterday. I was doing my best to live in the present moments but my spidey-senses were on full alert. It seemed like every little thing turned into the ‘six degrees to Kevin Bacon’ game (you know how you can name someone and in six names or less, you can connect them to Kevin Bacon). I swear someone could mention the name of a movie and in 6 steps or less, I could take myself back in time to that devastating place last February.
Honestly, there’s no need for me to go into all the details about what happened. It would take days to get into all the minutia. (I love that word – minutia … its one of those words that sound funny when you say it out loud. Go ahead and say it minnn–uuuu—-sha) Besides getting into all the details is just doing the opposite of my resolution. It would be giving me a chance to wallow in the negative and I’ve been doing such a good job to avoid that kind of behavior.
Hence the struggle. I was trying so hard to push back the emotions that it was making it difficult to think about anything else. Then I just gave in. I started to read the old emails, talked to a couple of people and finally just let the tears come for several days.
The old me just wanted someone or something to make me feel better. I’ve learned once again, that’s not how this really works. No one is responsible for my happiness but me. And then I realized something else, that this pain, this uncomfortable feeling I was going through is a good thing. I mean no one wants to spend a week feeling like crap but when you’re experiencing those moments out of your comfort zone, it usually means that something is happening. Changes are being made within you.
So I let the pain pass over me and through me. I found myself so entrenched within my positive side with the cupcakes and Pinteret that I found every excuse to not sit down to write this out. Until one of those infamous messages came to me. I swear, ever since I started paying attention to every little thing around me, I’ve been getting these messages to lead me back on track.
I was watching Kung Fu Panda 2 with my son and at the end of the movie, I heard Po say this: You’ve gotta let go of that stuff from the past, cause it just doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is what you choose to be now.
It brought tears to my eyes and I was able to write this post. I’m glad that I did finally get it out of my head.
I’m feeling good to get back on track on this journey to live an authentic life. It’s times like this that lead me to who I truly am and not the person that others think I should be. It’s about going through these challenges to find the real me. Like I always say, we gotta deal with them because the only way we’re getting out is through.
Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/8078381@N03/3534970009/