Pure unadulterated mommy rant

I’m having a mommy rant  … care to join me?

Ever have one of those mommy days when your kid takes an hour for breakfast and he still doesn’t finish? Then you realize that he was just playing baseball using his oatmeal spoon and his waffles. And then you rush him into his school clothes, teeth brushed, shoes on and into the car.

“Get your stuff together Jake!” I screamed. Of course he finds a way to grab his football, his baseball cards and his Pokeman cards in the car ride to school but somehow forgot to bring his lunchbox and school binder. I only noticed that he forgot all his school stuff when I was five minutes down the road from school.

And yes, I had to turn around, drive back home, get his stuff and then drive all the way back to school. It wasn’t a very stellar morning considering I had to be at a meeting that morning and now I was extremely late.

The minute he got out the car, the words flowed out of my mouth. I’m going to quote one of my favorite holiday movies, A Christmas Story, to finish this part of my rant: “I have since heard of people under extreme duress speaking in strange tongues. I became conscious that a steady torrent of obscenities and swearing of all kinds was pouring out of me as I screamed.”

I was having a full-force mommy rant. And it wasn’t just that day. Jake has been getting into trouble for the past couple of months and its gotten so bad that now I’m getting phone calls from the school principal. SO I said the word, (cue A Christmas Story voiceover) “Only I didn’t say “Fudge.” I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the “F-dash-dash-dash” word!

I actually had a meeting with Jake’s teacher, the school counselor and Jake’s dad this week. I got to sit in one of those small kid size chairs and listen to Jake’s teacher tell me about the bad behavior that my son does in school. Most of it I had to admit was just ‘boys will boys’ crap but I couldn’t argue with the teacher. She was trying to control eighteen 8 year-old kids so when one acts up all the time, it makes her life harder. I get that.

After we reviewed his work, particularly a writing assignment with every sentence ending in ‘and I pooped in my pants,” it wasn’t too hard to see that Jake was just acting out and trying to be funny. It was obvious to me that Jake was having some issues and that was his way to deal with them. I get that point too.

Finally my ex-husband decides to speak his opinion on the matter. In all his infinite wisdom, he actually blames Jake’s behavior on the fact that he’s not in sports year-round and he watches SpongeBob SquarePants. Yes, SpongeBob, my friends, is the real reason Jake is acting this way. Nice job Dr Phil … now if we can get everyone to stop watching Jersey Shore maybe we can solve the problems in the Middle East.

What an idiot …. no wonder I divorced your stupid ass ….

Jake has been doing the obligatory good behavior for the past few days except for the end of the day today when he farted so loud that the kids all laughed and he moved down a peg on the teacher’s behavior chart.

So much for balance these past few weeks  … I. AM. DONE. I need a freaking break from all this mommy stuff. I think I’ll move down to the Keys and live on a houseboat with Ben and my dog Winston. Send me an email when Jake turns 18 and graduates high school.

Photo credit: Cracked image


3 thoughts on “Pure unadulterated mommy rant

  1. Pingback: I may be bad but I’m perfectly good at it | My journey to live an authentic life

  2. Pingback: Adventures in Raising Me « My journey to live an authentic life

  3. Pingback: Sunday Funnys: Questions from an 8-year old boy « My journey to live an authentic life

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