My State of Mind
School has ended and summer camp has begun. I have great hopes this year for a productive summer. My usual list of things I want to get done is longer than my dog Winston when he stands on his legs and goes counter surfing.
Last summer was a disappointment. I had bouts of writer’s block and ended the summer with a feeling of productive dissatisfaction. I lost a lot time worrying about not getting anything done instead of focusing on why it was happening and trying to fix it.
But that was the Summer of 2013. And we’ve now officially entered the Summer of Getting It Done. Different mindset and a much bigger list of stuff to work on:
- Working on the content for my first online eclass! So excited about this project. I just ended an intense 30 day personal coaching program with a woman who helps people create their online classes. She helped turn my idea into a real class that I’m hoping people will want to pay money to take.
- Launching my first online coaching packages. I do so much work with people locally that I have to start from scratch to pull together an online coaching program. Crossing my fingers that this turns into a consistent money maker for me.
- Writing more posts. Yeah, I’ve been a big slacker here for my blog but I’ve stepped it up for my business blog. And then I got accepted to contribute to Small Biz Trends and I sent in my first post this week. I’ve been writing, just not here. So hopefully that will change over the summer.
Where am I now?
As I was thinking about what to post this today, I scanned over some old posts to get some ideas. And I found something …. a post that I wrote in 2012.
I read the words I wrote when I was in a moment of change. Seems like I’ve been changing since I started this blog but this one, this one … it was like I was right there again. How did I go full circle back to this place?
It looks and feels familiar but it’s different. Because I’m different. And so now, 2 years later, I’m back to asking the question again:
Are you a human being or just a human doing?
Once again I’ve found myself going through a period of reflection. It’s a combination of way too many things going on in my life and still struggling to find the ever elusive quest for balance.
The biggest thing I’ve discovered is the change in my way of looking at the world around me. I’ve commented to those close to me that I’ve felt the changes within. I feel myself moving back to my old self. And I don’t mean the old me before the birth of my son Jake. Or even before the messy divorce. It’s a me that I was even before I got married, I mean a WAY back me.
There are moments when I can actually stand back and take a good look at myself. When I add up all those years and all those things I was doing … well, honestly, it was just me doing and going and trying to fill in the holes of my life.
It was that feeling that we got as kids when someone asked us ‘what do you want to be when you grow up?’ Whether our answer was what they wanted to hear or not, we felt compelled to push ourselves towards those answers. It was the me who was trying to become what everyone thought I should be.
I’ve spent the last 20-some-odd years being a human doing. I went to college, started a business, got married, had a baby, struggled in my marriage and then lived through a nasty divorce. With the exception of the divorce, you could look at that sentence and think this person has it all. She’s done it all. She’s a success. I mean, isn’t that the path we’re all suppose to follow to be accepted in our society?
I’ve realized I don’t want that anymore. My world of constantly doing has contributed to the imbalance in my life. I’ve been spending an awful lot of time and energy trying to control things, suppress things or just find a way to deal with it.
I’ve been creating my own world of imbalance. That’s pretty damn scary to admit.
It had become more than a state of mind. It was a state of doing. I know now I don’t want that anymore. I want to live in a state of being. I want to be a human being. Living my life as the person I want to be and not who others think I should be.
I’d like to leave you with this one last thought about my journey from two of my favorite characters on the TV show Criminal Minds, Dr. Reid and Gideon:
Reid: You know, I should feel something. But I don’t.
Gideon: Well, not knowing what you feel, that’s not the same as not feeling anything. This is gonna hit you and, when it does, there’s only three facts you need to know. You did what you had to do and a lot of good people are alive because of what you did.
Reid: What’s the third?
Gideon: I’m proud of you.
Photo credit: Holding Hands